Leave Out All The Rest
by Mymon
Summary: Kieren's decision to move to London was one he's glad he made. Its better that his parents not watch him spiral further into depression and become increasingly more suicidal as the days progress. But never would he have thought that this decision would change his life. That he would find the light in his life, as well as becoming one in another.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter Ⅰ

_Kieren_

I knew I had to get out. Out of Roarton. Out of my parents house. Just out. Somewhere to clear my head. I dunno for how long. As long as it takes to not feel this way. To not feel like shit.

Why I chose London, I don't know. I always enjoyed London, such a gorgeous city at night and such a drastic difference to the town I grew up in.

But I also knew I had a home in London. Someone I knew who would take me in when I had no where else to go. Nevertheless, I was nervous. Anxious that he might have changed. Prison tends to do that to people.

Lucien and I met just before I entered high school. He had just moved to the quaint town of Roarton, in the house just next to mine, finding it to be way different than his home in Dublin. He was going to UNI in the next town over and decided to just move alongside his family. To this day, I don't know why we became as close as we did. He liked all the same music as me, causing that to be the major fuel to the fire. We would often hang out and he'd help me with my school work and he would sometimes watch Jem while our parents were out. The almost 10 year age gap never seemed to be a problem for the both of us. We just got on, him always being someone there for me when no one else was.

But then he moved to London when I was 17 because it was better for his job but it was hard. Rick tried to be supportive but he also got on with Lu, and it just made things harder. Luckily, I was allowed to visit often, staying with him and hanging with his kids when he got the chance to have em. But then he got charged with sexual assault, framed by a woman who was envious of his new life with his new girlfriend. And so, he ended up in prison for a year, and that was the end of me seeing him. Until now.

I don't know what I expected to see when he opened the door. I guess something more rugged and tired, maybe a beard and a more bulky, built body. But no, Lucien was still just as he was, tall, lean, and clean shaven. His hair was styled differently now, pushed upright and looked a darker shade of brown. The scar across his right eye now sat behind these black frame glasses that suited him more than his round ones before. He now had a slim, black piece of metal that was pierced into his lip; that seemed to suit him too.

"Kieren?" His eyes grew wide, his mouth still open as if he was about to protest me being here. I nod slightly at him and walk past him into his flat. Nothing's changed about it since the last time I had been there. He still had this dimly lit, minimal furniture thing going on but then again, it's not like he had all this

time to redecorate.

I drop by bag by his sofa and turn to face him. He still stood in the doorway, the door wide open and I watch as a couple passed behind him in the hallway, taking a brief, confused glance inside. "Alright, Lucien?"

"Alright." He nods and turns slowly to close the door. "Jesus." He makes his way over to me and grabs my shoulders, pulling me into his tight embrace. And just like that we fell back into how we were when he left. It was alway easy with Lu, the way he could just automatically light up a room with his presence and make you feel genuinely wanted. It's good to know prison hadn't changed that.

He slowly releases his grip and takes a step back, his hands still resting on my shoulders. "I hope you don't mind, me being here without so much as a notice. I just—I couldn't—"

" 'S alright, yeah? Your mum phoned me, worried, said you'd left. Guess I thought this'd be the last place you'd come."

"Just because you've seen the inside of some lush prison don't mean anythings changed, does it. 'Cos I still don't think you are badass." I smile slightly, the first time in a long time. He always had that effect.

"Hm, well, lush is not a word I would use to describe it. Glad you think you're funny." He rolls his eyes and walks behind me and towards the kitchen. "I'll put the kettle on, yeah?"

He goes to fish out the pot from the cupboard and I hop up onto the countertop, watching as he puts it onto the stove.

"Lu?"

"Hm?"

"Why'd you come back here?"

"What do 'ya mean?"

"I just figured- I dunno. Thought you'd go back to Ireland. Be close to the kids." I think my question startles him and the fact that I probably shouldn't have mentioned them only just hits me.

He shook his head with annoyance and amusement, "Heh, Trish ain't letting me anywhere near them. It's not like they know me well anyways or that they even want to. Not with all the shit she puts in their heads."

"How old are they now? Can't Fin make his own decision whether he want to see you or not?"

"Fin—Finbars' only 10. I suppose if he wanted to he could ask but I'm not sure how it would go down with his mum." He shrugs, looking off to god knows where, his eyes sad.

I nod, deciding to leave it at that. His kids were always such a touchy subject. His ex-wife, Trisha, cheated on him, multiple times and each time Lu ignored it for the sake of the kids. They were- are everything to him. But Trisha had other plans and kicked him out, breaking off the marriage and starting a new one with this fancy lawyer who she claims is a better influence.

I swing my feat for a moment then hop off out of curiosity of the open bedroom door.

"Parker live with you? Didn't know you two were back together." It was just an assumption. A stupid one at that because why in the hell would they be sleeping in two separate rooms. I should really stop that.

"We're not. I dunno. We're working things out. Kol don't want me near her kids, so. We're getting there."

"You got a roommate, then?" I step more into the bedroom and flick the light on. It's obvious someone else lives here. Possibly his younger brother by the looks of it. There are clothes scattered on the floor and the bed a mess. Maybe Lu enjoyed sleeping in a smaller bed since prison.

"Yeah, me mate Simon. We grew up together back in Ireland. Came to see me in prison often. In the process of getting rehabilitated from drugs and such." Lucien paused for a moment in the door frame and then walked in and sat on the bed, glancing at the photo on the nightstand. "He's all I got at the moment." He shook his head and exited the room, leaving me to follow him out.

I grab a seat at the table, running my fingers through my hair and sighing. After a minute, he joins me and hands me a warm mug and noisily sips his. "Tell me about Rick, then. You still all...lovey dovey?" He shimmies his shoulders a bit and smiles, obviously wanting all the gossip I have to offer. And this is the moment I had waited for. The moment that made me so anxious in coming in the first place. Lu knew Rick. Knew what we had. Knew how much I felt for him.

I take a couple of deep breaths and simply shake my head, too quick to not be questioned. My eyes stung and my hands instinctively moved to rub at them frantically. I could still feel my head moving back and forth and I could hear the sound of Lucien's chair skidding on the wood floor and I could feel his presence kneeling beside me.

"Kieren. Kieren it's okay, right. Cos he wasn't good for you in my opinion."

My breath got caught in my throat and I was outright sobbing now. My chest heaving and gasping for air and my face still cradled in my hands, the sleeves of my sweater becoming stained.

I wanted to tell him. Wanted to tell him Rick was dead and wasn't coming back. That he left me without so much as a goodbye like I was nothing. That no matter the amount of letters I sent, I never seemed to get one back.

I feel a hand on my back and I jump at the sudden touch. He moves my chair over so he can extend his arms around me, my face becoming buried in his chest. He doesn't mention Rick for the rest of the night.

—

"You can stay as long as you'd like, you know that, yeah?" I followed him into one of the spare bedrooms. I'd forgotten how big his flat actually was, guess I just never noticed. He flips the light on and we both step inside, him dropping my bag on the bed, one a bit larger than the one I had back at home.

"Thank you." I breathe, relieved to know he was okay with me staying. I don't know why I was so worried.

He simply nods and and walks over to close the curtains in the off chance I forget to do so myself. Nobody likes to be woken up by the sun.

"I know you didn't do it." I don't know what had come over me and caused me to say it. I guess I just want to reassure him.

"Pardon?"

"Sexual assault. I know you didn't do it. You'd never."

Lucien smiles and nods. "Good to know I'm believed by some."

But it's your fault you went in, right, cos you hit that cop who tried to take you in."

Lucien smiles, shrugging his shoulders as if it was nothing, "He was rude. Rude and disrespectful. Asking for it in my opinion, he was."

How he can not allow the fact that he went to prison not affect him, I will never know. I just wonder if things would be different if he hadn't. Maybe he could have talked Rick out of leaving for the Army. I dunno… I never will.

—

It's late. Or at least it feels that way. Lucien had left the room, begging me to get some rest and promising we could talk in the morning. I was tired, no doubt, but I could hardly ever fall asleep. Not when I could lie awake and stare into the dark and just think. Think about how fucked up everything seems to be and how it'd just be easier if I would just-it doesn't matter. Nights are always hard. My body ached to get out of bed and go to the connected bathroom with a small razor digging into my fist. I was just about to make way too, but there was a knock at the door.

I didn't answer. Not only did the sound make me jump, it was as if I was scared that Lucien would automatically know what I was thinking of doing. Plus, I had changed out of my long sleeved, my arms now exposed.

He came in anyways.

"Kier you awake?" He whispers, his head poking through the door. The lights were still one, I guess he just want to make sure.

"Yup."

"Ah good." He opens the door and comes in, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. I drag up the blanket to cover me up to my shoulders. I must look like an outright weirdo but thats better then him seeing. "I have to go out for a bit. Not long. Just got to pick up Simon at the center. You need anything while I'm out?"

I shake my head, and he nods getting up to go but he stops suddenly before leaving, his back towards me.

"You know you can talk to me, right? Cos I'm here for you. I care."

I don't say anything, he knows I know this. It's always nice to be reassured.

He doesn't turn to look at me, just sighs and nods his head slightly, "Get some rest, yeah?"

I hum in response, my eyes glued to the ceiling.

He leaves, closing the door behind him.

I don't get up that night. The razors in my bag remained untouched, for now.

I sleep with the lights on.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Simon

Its almost ten now. Pick up was at nine.

"He's forgot." I scratch at my beard and then shove my hands into my jacket.

I can't remember the last time I shaved. There was never really a point with the rate it grew back.

"Oi, will you stop! He has not forgot!" Amy spins around in her chair, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger. I've always liked Amy. She's been nice to me since I first came here, always looking to have a chat with me whenever we both had the time. She'd make a good counselor. Always so friendly and personable. But for now, she acts as the secretary behind the desk.

I glance at the clock on the wall. My phone is dead. I have no car. I am screwed.

Its Thursday. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days I have to meet with my group and talk about my recovery. I hate it. But its better than when I had to live at the place.

I don't want to be here.

I don't like being clean.

Things never used to be this hard.

I get up from my seat on the bench in the lobby. I walk around, tapping my fingers on my leg as I go, admiring the colors used on the walls. The center is nice, I'll give them that much. It obviously expensive.

And that's what sucks about having a friend who has more money than he knows what to do with. It makes you feel like shit. I shouldn't be Luciens responsibility. I am fucking twenty eight, not twelve.

I study the pattern on the wallpaper, or whatever it is. Maybe is not wallpaper and its just the way the paint dried. It looks nice, anyhow. A hand comes and rests on my shoulder causing me to turn to look at the source.

Amy just stands there, smiling bright and motioning for me to follow her back to the front of the building. I do so, watching Lucien come into full view as we go. He's on the phone, arguing by the looks of it. Probably Trisha giving him more shit about his kids even though she won't let him see them. I'm real close to giving her a personal call; tell her to shut the fuck up. But that'd be rude.

He notices me and smiles, mouthing a sorry and a thank you to Amy. I follow him towards the door and he opens it, holding it with the weight of his body so that I could walk out as well. "See you next week, Simon." Amy shouts as I walk out and I turn and wave just before the door closes behind me.

—

"You alright?" I ask as we walk towards the tube. He's off the phone now, fumbling through his jacket pocket for his wallet.

"Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. I know I'm late." He sighs. Hes obviously stressed about something. And when he's stressed, he smokes. But not tonight. Not around me.

I wave it off. "It's stupid you have to get picked up, anyhow." I hate their system. I hate a lot of things.

"Eh, well, I think they are all just worried for your safety. Who knows what y'all would do if you went off on your own at night." We walk down the stairs, stepping into harsh light and people bumping into us. There's a man on the left of us playing the guitar, his case open for people to throw money in. I wonder if that could have been me.

"We aren't kids though, Lu. Its not fucking day care."

He nods in agreement. I can tell he wants to make a comment about it. Say something about how I'm worse than a kid. How I'm harder to deal with.

He wouldn't be wrong.

We hurry to get onto the car so we don't have to wait for the next one, people all crammed together. There must have been some event. I feel my breathing become more heavy and labored, Lucien picking up on it immediately and giving me that look. The look that asks me if I'm okay and if I need to get off.

I nod and release a shaky breath. As long as it doesn't get too loud I'd be fine.

He makes me get off on the next stop. I could have handled it, but walking the rest of the way is definitely my preference.

"Gives us the chance to chat, don't it? I know you've missed my company all day." He jokes dramatically as we get onto the street. "Ive got news, too."

"News?" I was away for half the day. I couldn't have missed much.

But then again, I could have missed a lot.

"Remember my mate, Kieren?"

I smile, "How could I not?"

"Oi, Monroe. What's that supposed to mean?" He bumps into me playfully, making me stagger sideways and take a step off the curb. I shake my head and join him back on the sidewalk.

After Lucien left Roarton, he literally wouldn't shut up about the kid. Kieren and this other one...Rich, I think? He would go on saying how much heshipped them or something. I still don't know what that means, but it has to do something with them being in a relationship.

I know Kieren visited Lu a few times. But, during that time, I wasn't in my right mind, as Lu likes to say. So, I never got to meet this famous Kieren from his stories. From the sound of them, however, he sounds pretty damn incredible. Sadly, Lucien is known to exaggerate.

"Nothing, Blitz." He hates when I use his last name, makes him think of his father. Same applies to me. We're equal now. "Go on, then. What's the news?"

"Right, Kieren showed up tonight, reason for me being a bit late. He's going to be staying with us for—"

There's a pause. I look over at him expecting him to be in thought, like he was trying to remember what Kieren had said, but no. He's sad.

He doesn't need to say anything, I understand. The kid's got no where else to go.

"He's not okay, Si. Somethings happened. His mother was so cryptic on the phone. She didn't sound well, either."

I stay silent. I don't know Kieren at all. I don't have advice for what should be done. Not that anyone is asking for it, anyhow. That'd be ironic.

"It'll be alright." I'm a hypocrite and a liar. This is a fact.

"And don't mention Rick 'round him, right, cos that's got something to do with it."

Rick, that's what it was. Where did Rich come from? I don't know any Riches.

"Alright." I worry I'll forget. Odds are that if I do, I'll say Rich.

—

We finally reach the flat and step inside. Lucien tells me to keep quiet because Kieren is sleeping.

He has a verbal debate with himself if he should check up on him. I decide to make the decision for him and we both go, slowly opening the door and peeking inside. What can I say, Im curious.

It feels weird to be walking into some strangers room while they are asleep. But, I'm glad I went. Lu would have woken him up if I hadn't.

Kieren is asleep, the bedside light illuminating his face and arms, the scars becoming far more prominent than they would be in normal light. He's good looking, no, hes pretty. I want to see his eye's open, see what color they are and if someone has the ability to find themselves lost in them. The way his eyelashes rest on his cheekbones, along with his thin, frail body, makes him look incredibly delicate.

Lucien isn't moving, his mouth is slightly open in confusion and disbelief. I move closer, expecting the cuts, noticing the depth of a few of them further up his arm. Those were an odd purple color, the sign they may be infected.

He told me he knew something was wrong. I don't think this is where his mind had wandered to. He already has to deal with a drug addict; he doesn't need more damaged baggage. I feel bad.

I turn away from the sleeping boy and usher Lu out of the room. His eyes stay unmoved even after I close the door.

"Lights." he whispers, still in a state of shock.

"He left them on for a reason. Leave it." Sleeping with the lights on, something I'm far too familiar with.

He just shakes his head and walks off into the living room, me following close behind.

"This isn't your fault." I grew up with Lucien. I know how he thinks, how his mind works.

He just looks at me, still shaking his head in disbelief. At least he isn't making any excuses to make it something it's not.

"Do I call his parents?" He breathes. He takes his glasses off and throws them onto the sofa and runs his hands over his face.

"He came here to get away from them, no? Don't get involved in that."

"I'm a fucking father, Simon!" He's shouting now, his eyes red and hazy with a mixture of anger, sadness, and frustration. He takes it back immediately, whispering an "I'm sorry."

I wave it off, and I go and stand beside him. "I know this is hard. Just be there for him, yeah?"

He nods and walks off to his room, closing the door behind him. I grab his glasses off of the sofa and place them on the countertop in the kitchen. Better if someone doesn't sit on them.

I'm not hungry so I skip dinner and go straight to my room and plop down on my bed, shoving some clothes to the floor in the process. My phone lights up on my nightstand, signaling that I received an email from god knows who.

I decide to send a quick text to a friend, against my better judgement, asking them to come over the following day. I receive a response almost immediately, the vibration startling me.

They agreed.

I'm going to get shit for this.

I don't care.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_Kieren_

I literally have no idea what time it is. I know it's a decent time to be awake with all the noise I hear outside the room and by the amount of sun that managed to seep into the curtains. I debate on whether or not I should get my phone out of my bag but then I would feel obligated to text or call people back and honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I open the door slowly, cringing at the creek it makes. I walk into the kitchen and glance at the clock on the oven, 9:17. It's a bit early for my taste, but that's beside the point.

"You must be Kieren." I spin around at the voice, startled. I assume this could only be Luciens roommate. He was older than I had presumed, or maybe that's just how the beard made him look. He wore an oversized grey sweatshirt that seemed to swallow his body, making me wonder just what he was hiding.

Nevertheless, he is quite attractive.

"I'm Simon." It takes me a second to realize his arm is extended towards me, him expecting me to shake his hand. I comply and follow him into the living room. "I've heard a lot about you. Glad I finally get to put a face to the name." He smiles.

"All good things, I hope." I know this is something someone would typically respond to what was just said. But I genuinely hope it was only good things.

He hesitates before answering, simply blinking at me before nodding, "Of Course."

Simon grabs a seat on the couch and I mimic his actions, watching as he clicks on the telly.

—

Lucien is awake but hasn't come out of his room. Simon says he had some work calls he had to make and he prefers to do them in private.

I can't tell if that's a lie. Lucien makes money off of YouTube, has been for the past five years. He makes these stupid, funny videos just of life, which I guess evolved into things people liked and wanted to see more of. So, he was asked for a partnership with YouTube and London is where he could do more collaborations with others.

His ex-wife hates it. I think she may just hate him in general. She blames him for their kids watching his videos. But he doesn't care, I think he likes knowing his kids might actually care.

I don't remember how many subscribers he has or how prison affected that aspect of his life, but it's good to know he still does what he loves.

There's a knock at the door. I feel like it's too early for a visitor and the thought of who it might be makes me anxious. What if my parents came, they know I'm here, don't they? They know where Lucien lives.

_Fuck. _

"I'll get that." Simons up before I finish thinking through different scenarios in my head.

From where I'm sitting, it seems to be Parker. She looks fairly the same, her hairs a bit longer and braided to one side, still that unnatural shade of white. I get up, deciding not to be rude and go to greet her.

She lets go of Simon and moves to hug me, "Kieren, it's so good to see you again!" I forgot she was American, her voice sounding fake at first. But then I remembered she's from like North Carolina or something.

I have a terrible memory.

Before I get a chance to say anything, two more people come running into the room, screaming 'Uncle Simon' in unison.

These must be her kids.

"Didn't know you had 'em today. I wouldn't have asked." Simon scoops up the little ones, ruffling up their hair and smiling at their whines of protest.

"That's alright. It was a last minute thing." She goes and fixes their hair before turning towards me, "Kieren, this is my son Scout and my daughter Lyric." They both smile and wave, wiggling to get down from Simons grasp. He complies and they run towards me, their arms extending upwards.

"I'm six, and she's five." Scout says matter-o-factly. "Im a big kid. She is not." Now I wonder what defines a 'big kid'. Is there an age cut off or something?

"Yeah, they aren't shy." Simon laughs. I don't think I can pick them both up and I excuse it as I'm not strong enough. Lyric, being the younger of the two, insists I must pick her up and Scout goes off to the couch and pouts.

As soon as Lucien walks out of his room, Lyric wiggles in my arms and I put her down.

"This week has just been chock full of surprise guests, Jesus." He walks over to Parker and kisses her cheek. I can't remember if they are dating or not. I'll ask him later.

"Excuse me I was invited, thank you." She places her hand on her chest like she's taking offence.

He crooks his head to the side, "Were you now?" He immediately shoots a death glare towards Simon and Simon shrugs. I'm confused.

"Daddy Lulu!" The kids shout, running towards Lucien and grabbing onto his legs.

"Oh so my title has been upgraded, has it? Kol must love this." He picks up Lyric and puts her on his shoulders before picking up Scout.

"He doesn't know you're out." She whispers. I think Lu figured, so he stays silent and just shrugs it off. I think we all know its gonna be worse for her when the kids tell him instead of her.

Kol hates Lucien. Two totally different people, they are. They have never got on, even before Kol and Parker got married. Lu has known Parker since high school, Lucien believing that Kol was envious of what him and Parker had, even in friendship. But Kol also believes Lucien is bad for Parker. I don't see that in the least. Prison definitely didn't help Lu's case, though.

I go and join Simon and Scout on the couch, Lyric following close behind. She climbs up onto my lap after I sit and plays with the strings on my hoodie.

"Uncle Simon, did you know Spider-Man is the coolest superhero ever?" Scout asks, smiling to himself and looking down at his superhero tee.

Simon thinks about it for a second, eyeing the boy's spider-man shirt. "I'm more of an Incredible Hulk fan." Bad move.

Scout looks offended and I want to laugh.

"Mr...uh. You" Hes looking at me now, squinting his eyes and pointing to me as he tries to remember my name.

"That'd be Uncle Kieren." Simon corrects. I wish I didn't have the ability to blush.

"Right. Uncle Kieren, who do you like?" I know what he wants me to say, and I decide to go that route then risking a possible break down. I dont really know this kid, so I play it safe.

"Spider-Man, definitely."

Scout smiles in triumph and hops off of the couch and goes to find his mother to tell her. Lyric decides to join him.

"Oi, you taking a six year old's side over mine?" Simon smiles, pushing my shoulder playfully. We are just looking at each other for a moment, grinning and sitting in silence before he glances behind me, his mood completely changing.

The smile leaves his face and he becomes a bit more serious and worried. I follow his glance and notice Lucien and Parker talking, both stopping as soon as I look, giving me a sad smile. Simon clears his throat and joins them. I turn my gaze back to the telly, deciding not to become paranoid.

It doesnt work.

After a moment, I hear one of the kids calling my name, I think it's Lyric, and I get up to go find her. Simon stopps me, his hand resting on my shoulder.

"For fucks sake." Lucien sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"Lucien, please. Children." Parker scolds, looking around to see if her kids were in hearing proximity.

"I'll handle them, alright." Simon leaves, his touch on my shoulder lingering as he goes.

Lucien looks to Parker, neither of them saying anything.

"Alright, you two?" My heart is hammering inside my chest. Lucien cares about me, I know this. He's not going to kick me out.

"Come with me, yeah?" Parker takes my hand and leads me towards the room I'm staying in, grabbing her purse along the way. She sets it down on the bed and starts to take stuff out but then stops. She looks to Lucien who is standing in the doorway, leaned up against it with his arms crossed. He sighs and turns to leave, closing the door behind him.

Its just Parker and I now. She takes a few deep breaths before she begins, grabbing both of my hands and putting them in hers.

"Listen, Kieren. I don't want an explanation. In fact, you don't have to say anything. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm simply a doctor who would rather not see you get deathly ill."

To say I'm confused would be an understatement.

"But, if you want to talk about it, Im here, alright?"

"What are you going on about?" I laugh, nervously.

I'm fine. _I'm fine. _

She doesn't answer, just simply pushes up the sleeves of my hoodie. The cotton scratches at the inside of my forearms and makes them sting for a second. It's worse when there are fresh ones, it still hurts.

I don't have time to react and pull away, I'm literally paralyzed with fear. I close my eyes and wait for her to yell or something. For her to scold me for doing this to myself. She doesn't.

I open my eyes to see her taking things out of her bag and placing them on the bed. She rolls the sleeves up a bit more and I simply just stand still, tears threatening to roll onto my cheeks. I don't allow them to. She inspects some of the cuts before putting on a pair of gloves and starts to touch lightly. She asks if it hurts when she touches in certain places and I just nod or shake my head, words not being able to be formed. She tells me it's gonna be okay. I don't believe her.

Apparently some of the gashes on my arms could possibly be infected. She takes a few more minutes to make sure she shouldn't stitch anything up; thank god I don't need any. She asks if its alright if she take a sample of my blood to take back with her to check for a definite infection. I agree and she takes a small sample from my arm and then places the syringe in a sealed zip lock.

She starts by applying this cream or ointment, whatever it is, gingerly, to the inside of my arms. She explains what it is and how often I need to change the bandages, but to be honest, I'm not paying attention.

She places a few bandages and then wraps up my arms with this thing so that the bandages stay put, rolling my sleeves back down. She puts everything away and puts the garbage in a separate zip lock. She hugs me, then, telling me it'll be okay. I wish people would stop saying this.

I thank her, and we both leave the room.

When I come out, Simon is sitting on the couch, both kids on his lap. His beard is gone, and he's dressed like hes about to leave. _How long was I in there for?_ I can't decide if I like him better with the beard or not. I didn't really see him for too long with it, so.

Parker comes out soon after, gasping at the sight. Her hands go to cover her mouth as she starts to laugh.

"This is what they wanted to do. They wanted me to take it off." He's acting like he's annoyed, but I don't think he is. He meets my eyes and smiles, he knows.

Everyone knows.

_Fuck._

"Yup! It makes him not look so old!" Scout shouts, running a hand down Simon's bare cheek.

"Oi, Me old? Never." He ruffles up Scouts hair and Lyric tries to fix it immediately after.

Parker is still laughing through her hands, "I'm sorry, Simon. You look nice though, so."

"Yeah, yeah."

Lucien has now emerged from his room and walks over to Simon and gives the top of the kids head a pat. "Nicely done, you two." He hands them a few pounds.

"Did you just bribe my children?" Parker isn't laughing anymore.

"No, I simply made a bet with them. They won." He shrugs and pats Simon's cheek, "Kids are his weakness."

Parker sighs and goes to collects the coins in their hands and places them in her purse as they whine that they won't ever get them back.

Lucien comes over to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder, sighing. He doesn't ask, and I'm thankful for that. But, I can't avoid the conversation forever.

—

We all decide to take the kids out for lunch. I help Lu get the car seats out of one of the closets and put them in his car. I assume they were from when he had his kids but I dont ask. I also don't ask how he thinks we are all going to fit in one car.

Theres a total of five seats, with a total of six persons. The car seats are on the opposite ends of the back seat, Parker sitting in the middle so she can handle them. That leaves Lucien driving, and Simon and I to share the passenger seat.

He decides that it would be easier if I sat on his lap since I apparently don't look like a weigh anything. He also says that it would be better if we weren't squished together in one seat. I decide to just go along with it.

The whole ride, Simon's hand is resting on my back, steadying me as the car moves. I dont know what it is about him, but he's comforting. Makes me feel safe.

I just met him, I need to stop.

My mind always seems to wonder to Rick. I stare out the window as the kids sing '_twinkle twinkle, little star'_ for the fifth time.

My arms start to bother me and I go to itch at them, but Simon's hand comes and swats it away. Yup, he knows. Wonderful. Let's make a fucking tumblr post about it.

At least I don't have the cotton rubbing up against the skin anymore. I can't decide what's more irritating.

—

We go to some cafe that was local. The kids both argue over who is sitting where, either between Simon and I or Lucien and Parker. Lu makes them play rock-paper-scissors to decide a victor, Scout apparently winning; and so, he sits with us.

The whole lunch Scout is trying to get Simon to like Spider-Man better than the Hulk. Eventually, Simon takes defeat and accepts that Scout is right.

Lyric goes on about her step-mum, Allison. It makes Parker irritated and Lucien changes the subject to cats. Which is the reason Lyric is now convinced they are getting a kitten. Knowing Lucien, he would go out and get one right now. He's contemplating it, I can tell, but the look Parker gives him shows that she will kill him if he does.

We eat while the kids explain what they want to be for halloween. Scout want's to be spiderman, big surprise. Lyric wants to be a princess which leads to the conversation of how she is an actual, real life princess.

Then comes time to leave. Simon and I share glances as Parker and Lucien argue over who is paying. I want to say that I'll pay but Simon mouths a _'don't', _so I stay silent. The kids debate whether they want to go get ice cream or go to the park before it rains. They decide on both without so much as a word to anyone else.

I've only been here for about a day and feel more at home then I have felt in a long time.

This scares me.


	4. Chapter 4

We take the kids to the park. Half the sky is bright and clear, the other being dark with the promise its going to rain.

They insist on all of us playing hide-and-seek. They choose their mother for their team so its equal and Lucien pouts playfully like a three year old. They hide first and the three of us sit in the roofed gazebo in the center of the area.

"Its gonna rain." Simon sighs, watching the sky become increasingly more dark, like the black clouds were swallowing the others.

"Thank you, Mr. Weather Man." Lucien pulls out his phone and begins typing away. Turns out he's setting a timer, none of us too keen on counting out loud.

I couldn't help but snicker at Lucien while Simon just shakes his head. Simon's cute.

Wait, _what? _

I pray my face isn't heating up just over my thoughts. No one says anything so I assume I'm in the clearing.

I rest my elbows on the table, placing my head in my hands. I'm tired, I always seem to be. I look forward to getting in bed.

We can hear the kids shouting to the left of us and then Parker asking for another minute, Lucien adds the time.

"Kier?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you spoken to your family? Like since getting here?" Lucien isn't looking at me, but rather doing something on his phone.

I haven't even taken my phone out of my bag. It's nice, to not have to carry around the thing and worry about missing someones calls or text messages. Not even touching it just makes me not care. I feel obligated when I have it on my person.

I should call them, though. Give them some sort of reassurance that I'm alright and still alive. It'd be better than them taking a family trip to come make sure I was well themselves.

"No, Ill call them tonight."

I see a brief exchange of glances between Lucien and Simon, which I would have ignored if Lucien hadn't continued.

"No, I was just curious, is all. Your mum called me, right, left me a voice message asking 'bout you."

"You dont have to talk to them if you dont want to. I understand that." Simon jumps in, placing a hand atop of mine in a comforting notion. "So does Lu."

Honestly, who doesn't have issues with one or both of their parents, nowadays. I can't speak for Simon, but Lu's father is an alcoholic, abusive asshole who was never a real father. He relates more to his stepdad, anyhow, never seeing his dad unless he absolutely has too.

I have nothing like that. I love my parents to pieces but they just don't understand. They seem to live in their own little worlds where nothing is bad or wrong. But, that's not reality. It never will be.

I decide to say that I'll send them a message when we get back, just to put them at ease. The timer rings, and we go out searching.

We've played a total of 8 games, I think, each being an actual good time, some being ones I've never heard of and that i'm convinced the kids made up on the spot. Either way, everyone is enjoying themselves.

I feel like a kid again.

I decide to call a break, my lungs gasping for more air then I could allow and my sides hurting. This is the most physical thing I have ever done in my life.

That is sad.

Simon decides to join me and we stand under some trees, both of our backs resting against adjacent trunks, facing eachother.

"Who knew kids could be such a work out." He laughs. I just hum in agreement and watch the sky.

"Can I ask you a question, Simon?" Curiosity was beginning to eat me away.

"Always." He adjusts his body up against the tree to get more comfortable.

"Lu–Lucien said you're in rehab?"

"Heroin, yeah." He doesn't even stutter, like it doesn't even phase him. I wish I could talk openly like that. I cant even talk to my parents much less some stranger. Well, I guess we arent really strangers anymore; roommates I suppose.

"How long?" I take a deep inhale, my breathing becoming more leveled from the exercise. I must have breathed something in because I start coughing.

"How long have I been doing heroin or how long have I been clean?"

"The later."

"Ive been clean for almost a year." You'd think he would be smiling in triumph of the achievement, but his face is emotionless.

"Congrats." I say. Thats something you say to someone in his situation, innit?

He nods, sighing. "Hopefully Ill get to say the same to you." Simon scratches at the side of his neck and watches as I move my eyes to the ground.

I didn't want this.

It's raining now. But not like properly. The sun is still shining where we are, the rain light and visible through the trees. It's almost refreshing. Simon and I are sat on the ground now, leaning back against the trees, watching as they continue to play, the kids squealing with delight and shouting songs about the rain. And then Lucien is kissing Parker, her face becoming a light pink and they both become giddy like love struck teenagers. Both kids shout an 'Ew' and announce that Par and Lu are now monsters who are chasing them. They do as they are told.

"How cliche." I laugh. I guess its not all that cliche but I think the whole kissing in the rain just automatically falls in that category, regardless of the circumstances.

"Yeah, well." Simon is smiling too, his eyes meeting mine. "Sometimes you need a bit of cliche in your life."

I return the smile, my heart beat speeding up. There's a brief pause, just the two of us looking at each other. Simon breaks the gaze and gets up, dusting the back of his trousers off, looking up at the rain falling.

He extends hand out for for me to grab so I can be hoisted up. "Let me know when you can use some."

I'm left watching Simon's back as he walks back to the group. I don't follow immediately.

Rick was supposed to be my first kiss. Sure, we did _other _things, but not kissing; never kissing. I think it scared him, the whole aspect of him being something that would be disappointing to his father terrified him. I regret not confronting him about it. I should have taken things in my own hands instead of him calling all the shots. I don't think he felt as strongly about me as I did him.

Why am I such a fuck-up?

I want to cry.

"Let's go, Walker! You're on my team!" Luciens voice pulls me from my thoughts, but I don't acknowledge him. I decide to just slide against the tree back to the ground, the trunk scratching the skin of my back and neck through the hoodie. I place my head in my knees, and I allow this _feeling_ to take control over me. Sobs rack through my body and my coughing is blaring out all outside noises.

I genuinely hope everyone else leaves. I know how to find my way back, I'd prefer to go alone anyhow.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, whoever it is must be talking but I can't hear them over the myself and the rain around me. I shrug off the hand and get up, walking off in the opposite direction. I know someone is calling after me, but I dont care.

_I don't care_.** I don't care.**

I'm sitting in some cheap pub now, soaked and tired. I don't know how long I walked for but it's about late afternoon now and I'm pretty sure at one point I started running like that would make the feeling go away; like I was running away from my problems. It didn't work. Nothing works.

I want to cut, but even then, it doesn't work; the relief doesn't last forever.

_Nothing works. _

I don't order alcohol, even though that's what my body is screaming for. I decide on a simple soda because its carbonated and sweet and that'll be fine. Cheaper, anyhow.

A girl tries to hit on me, this thin blonde thing with huge pink circles above her eyes and the lips to match. I have no desire to do anything with anyone and I don't understand how people turn to sex in a moment of anger or sadness. But then again, I've never actually done it, so.

How pathetic is that?

Regardless, why would you want to have a meaningless shag with some random person because you're hurting? I want everyone to be as far away from me as possible in times like that; I would think others would want the same I dunno.

She calls me a 'dick' because I'm being her definition of rude. I don't think I'm being rude, I'm just not being personable. She knows nothing.

I hear the bar stool skid against the floor next to me and feel the presence of a person once they've sat down. I'm not faced towards them, my back towards the front of the and to the whole of the pub.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

Simon.

I turn around in my chair to face him. He's soaked and strands of his hair have fallen to his forehead with the weight of water droplets. I feel my heart start racing in my chest. He seems to have this effect on me.

"It's not your fault; jus' me being stupid." I shrug, shivering as the AC starts to kick on.

"I'd give you my jacket, but ya know." He lifts up his arms and water drops to the ground from the sleeves of his parka. "Not sure how much help that'd be."

I laugh as he looks to the floor at the water as if he's mentally saying to himself _'shit, I ain't cleaning that up.' _

He's laughing now as well and now we are both just sitting, soaked, in this small pub laughing at something so incredibly stupid. Simon pats my arm and slips off his chair, "Let's go somewhere else."

It's pouring outside; proper terental downpour and we are somehow stuck in the midst of all of it.

Simon goes to grab my wrist but stops himself and wraps an arm around my side instead, pulling me with him towards a telephone booth. He pulls the door open and pushes me inside and comes in after, shuting the door behind us.

The rain hit the outside of the booth noisily and out of no where, we both start laughing. I don't know why, maybe it was just realizing how shitty this was and how neither of us have our phones on us or know the time.

Simon grabs my shoulders and moves me around so we are standing on opposite sides a little more comfortable in the closed off space. He points to the phone, "Yeah, I'm just gonna, yeah..."

"Probably a good idea."

He phones Lucien and I can hear him through the phone, a string of curse words frequently leaving his mouth. I pray he's not with the little ones.

Simon and I just look at each other as Simon listens to Lucien ramble on probable. He's not listening, I can tell by his face. Simon tells him where we are, I assume for Lucien to pick us up, and he hangs up the phone.

"Said he'll be here in a few."

I nod and lean my head up against the booth. I realize now that I'm exaugsted and freezing; we both must be.

"Alright, Kier?" He sighs and I feel his fingertips brush against my forehead, pushing away the hair that had fallen there. I blink at him, not responding, just staring. He gives me a lopsided smile,"Sorry, it was bothering me."

I don't know where it came from and I don't know what caused me to do it but in one swift motion I grab his arm and open the door to the booth open, dragging us both outside. He looks down at me, his head crooked to the side in confusion as if to say _'why the fuck are we in the rain again?'_

I feel like I have to shout over the loudness of the street and rain. "I'd like to take you up on your offer, now?"

"My offer?" He's shouting as well, his eyes blinking rapidly to bat away the rain from his eyes.

Like it was some kind of second nature, I grab a fist full of his parka and tug him towards me, connecting our lips.

I think he is hesitant at first because after a second he feels more relaxed and his hands come up to cup my cheeks and then our tounges are sliding against each other and it's just so _fucking_ good. I don't care about the people around me. I don't care about how angry my parents probably are at me for not returning their phone calls. I don't care if I'm even a shitty kisser.

_I don't care. _

The only thing I can focus on is Simon and the way I feel and how different of a feeling it is. I just met this guy and in the back of my mind I have this nagging voice telling me that this is wrong. But jesus, it sure as hell doesn't feel that way.

My emotions are all over the place today.

He pulls back for a second, pressing his forehead against mine and let's the both of us catch our breath. He pecks me on the lips again, then once more, before putting my hand in his and tugging it along. He jog across the street to the other side because I guess that's the way Lucien will be coming. We ignore the blares of horns and people shouting at us to wait for the light.

_We don't care. _

Simon grabs my waist and pulls me in again, causing me to hum with approval. I now see why this would be considered addicting.

"We should have just gotten a cab." He mumbles against my mouth. God, Lucien would kill us.

We get one anyways and we take the long way home.


	5. Chapter 5

_Simon_

The last thing I want to do is go inside and detach myself from Kieren. I know what is awaiting behind the door and I honestly don't want to deal with it right now. I just want to go in, lay down on the couch and have Kieren in my arms.

I feel like a fucking _teenager._

"You know whats funny?" Lucien says when we get in, sitting at the table like hes the father whose kids came home late.

"I doubt you actually find it amusing." I mumble going to join him. Kieren excuses himself to go take a shower and I watch him leave, his boots squeaking on the wood floor as he goes. Lucien hums in response takes off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"You asked me to come, Simon. I came. You weren't there." He's anything but angry, which I hadn't exactly expected but its nice. I'm momentarily worried he's going to jump to some conclusion that I was off with my old dealer. I was doing everything but that.

"I know. I'm sorry." I sigh, discarding my sweater from my body and looking down at the shirt that is damp and sticking to my body. I'm extremely uncomfortable. "We got... distracted"

Lucien sighs, running a hand through his hand and then letting it fall to the table. "Yeah, your lips are worn raw, my friend." My body tenses, Lucien immediately noticing and smirking. "He just fucking got here, Simon."

"I didn't make the first move."

I think this surprises Lucien. Hell, I know it surprised me. Lu just shakes his head, a smile still plastered on his face. He ended up grabbing me a bottle of water and placing it on the table along with his before he says anything. "So it was a proper date, then?"

I shrug. I don't think that's what Kieren wants, he was probably just lonely. My head suddenly hurts. "No, I don't know. I don't know, Lucien."

"Alright, alright." He drops it then, and lets me go off to my room to change out of my disgusting clothes and into something more comfortable and dry. When I emerge from my room, Kieren is sat on the far end of the couch with Lu in the middle, he meets my eyes and smiles, patting the seat next to him. I comply, plopping now on the other end and watch as he flips through the channels until he found some movie that was halfway through.

About 15 minutes in, we are all sitting and guessing what the hell is going on when Lu suddenly has to get up and answer a phone call. Kieren and I are left alone, the empty space between us seeming a lot larger than it actually is.

"Did you change your bandages?" I ask, cautious of how it sounds when I say it. Kieren simply nods and then shakes his head, mumbling something under his breath. "Alright?"

"I'm sorry." Kieren repeats, his face twisted in thought and sadness. He stands to leave and I reach out to grab his wrist but catch myself before I touch him; he leaves to go to his room, shutting the door behind him.

Lucien returns just in time as my mind is finishing processing what the fuck just happened. "Well what did you do, now?" I simply shrug, staring at the closed door.

"I guess hes tired." I get up and walk past Luciens confused glance and demeanor, grabbing a blanket off of the sofa as I go to my room. I always enjoyed sleeping with more than one blanket, I don't know why.

"Alright." Lu sighs but I ignore it in favor of closing the door and just sliding against it. I'm tempted to just sleep on the floor, curled into the blanket and finding a comfortable position, but eventually I get up and go to my bed and do the same exact thing.

_Why is he sorry?_

I realize now I've fucked up.

I decide to sleep on it, handle all of it in the morning.

I'm awaken to yelling and slamming of objects against the countertop. I come out to find ice scattered around the floor, Lucien hurriedly picking them up, and a huge chunk of it in the sink.

I don't even ask.

"I've been nominated for that ice challenge thing." He huffs, throwing the ice into the sink with the rest of it.

"So we need a bucket, then?" My throat hurts and my voice sound rough and groggy. Lucien simply nods and goes back to chipping away at the ice. I guess our freezer acted up again and froze all the ice together insisted of in cubes.

"I already donated money multiple times. I don't see the need of doing this when most people don't even know why they are doing it."

"I bet your kids will get a laugh out of it if you don't curse the whole way through." I get a smile at that before he turns to look at me and then nodding to Kieren's bedroom door.

"He's up. Been up for hours, I think." I just shrug and go into the fridge to scan my options. I often find myself doing this and then end up forgetting what I wanted and getting nothing. I do that now. "No, don't act like you don't care. I know you do." Hes teasing but I just shrug again. He understands now that I don't want to talk about it.

I don't see KIere for the majority of the day. He stays to his room, excusing that he doesn't feel too well.

I help Lucien film his ice challnge that we do on the balcony which is one of the stupidest things we could have done. The balcony is now covered in ice water and gotten onto the ground beneath it where people could slip.

I'm sat on his bed now as he sits at his desk, editing the video and waiting for it to finish rendering. "When you gonna talk to me?" He asks, spinning around in his rolly chair.

"About?"

"Kieren" His tone is accompanied by a slight eye roll and smirk.

"I dunno." I shrug again. Lucien picks up one of the pens lying in front of him and chucks it at my torso.

"Shrug again, I dare you."

I huff out a sigh in frustration. "He left the room last night, apologizing."

"What did ya do?"

"Nothing that I'm aware of."

Lucien nods and types something away on the keyboard in concentration. "Let him come to you. He's in a hard place." I just nod in response and lie back on the bed, watching the fan spin for a few moments.

It's not my fault, I tell myself repeatedly. But now, I'm not so sure.

That night I get persuaded on going out and picking up take out from a place not to far from the flat.

Kieren had finally come out of his room, smiling and sitting close to me on the couch to much of my Surprise. He did we will talk about stuff when I get back, so I hurry on out.

I end up not coming home.


End file.
